Yesterday we looked at the whether or not you are dating a jerk. In all gender fairness today we’ll look at whether you are dating or (heaven forbid) married to a b*tch. The following is a quiz to evaluate where your lady stands on the b*tch scale. Following the quiz is an excerpt from a self-proclaimed b*tch to tell the warning signs and where you stand with her ilk.
1) In her free time she…
A. Volunteers for her favourite charities.
B. Volunteers for your favourite charities.
C. Is all about her…pampering facials, mani-pedis, massages, etc.
2) Her idea of having fun is…
A. Watching a movie and cuddling on the couch.
B. Plastering her bedroom with pictures of your face.
C. Telling you how to improve yourself and your performance in bed.
3) When your introduced your girl to your parents she…
A. Brought flowers for your mum.
B. Immediately asked to see your baby pictures.
C. Says without humour “Now I see where he gets it.”
4) When you get sick with a cold, your girlfriend…
A. Makes you chicken soup and puts on a funny movie.
B. Googles every possible disease it could be and tries to cure you.
C. Tells you to call when better, she doesn’t want to catch it.
5) At your first turn barbecuing for her…
A. She eats it and says you’re an awesome cook.
B. Praises your masculinity with every turn of the meat.
C. Tells you how to barbecue better, because you’re doing it all wrong.
6) When you go out for a boys’s night she…
A. Encourages you to go, you need bro time!
B. Uses “Find my Phone” to follow you.
C. Has dinner with her ex-boyfriend, texts you to tell you what a wonderful time she’s having.
7) When you butcher yourself trimming your Movember tash…
A. She immediately found a nearby barber for you to get a classic trim.
B. Screamed “What have you done!” and then cried.
C. Posted pictures on Facebook making fun of you.
8) When your favourite pet died your girlfriend…
A. Assured you its okay to cry and helped you make arrangements.
B. Had Fluffy stuffed and put on the mantle.
C. Said “Good Riddance!”
9) When you and your girlfriend moved in together…
A. She picked out gender neutral home decorations.
B. She bought wedding rings.
C. Insisted that you pay all bills and for redecorating the place in pink.
10) For your anniversary, your girlfriend…
A. Thought it would be cute to send you flowers.
B. Got a tattoo of your face with the word “Forever”.
C. Insists you take her to city’s top restaurant, orders the most expensive meal, is rude to waitstaff.
Mostly A’s- Keep her! This girl knows what you want.
Mostly B’s- Run away! She’s sounds like a bunny burner.
Mostly C’s- Dump her! This chick is a total b*tch!
With that basic, rather tongue-in-check, look at your girl, we probably didn’t tell you anything your didn’t know. The following insights, which are from the mouth of an admitted and unapologetic b*tch, will be of interest to those of you who are indeed stuck with a b*tch. You’ve been warned.
B*tches: we’re manipulative people. I should know; I am one. So trust me when I say it’s not always super-obvious that you’re dating a full-fledged bitch until we (accidentally) start showing our claws/fangs/talons. But here are a few early warning signs:
1. We’re not bitchy 24/7
Nobody would want to date us if we were b*tches every moment of every day. (Well, unless you’re a wimp, but that’s another blog post.) So we’ve wised up to the fact that for at least part of the day/month/year, we need to be civil and appropriate or else you’ll leave us. We try to channel and hold our extreme b*tchiness for when you’ve really pissed us off and then BOOM, geyser of b*tchiness.
2. Some of us should probably be medicated
Some b*tches are just b*tches, but for others, the issues go far deeper than that. We struggle to cop to them, though, because by admitting we suffer from extreme insecurity/daddy issues/crippling anxiety/some form of bipolar disorder, we’re admitting defeat. We’re admitting there’s something wrong with us. And owning that we’re anything less-than-perfect is really hard for us even if the stigma of going to therapy/needing drugs is far less than what it used to be.
3. We’re rude to your female friends
Especially if they’re hot. We don’t care as much if they’re not attractive because thusly, the competition is less fierce. In fact, why do you have female friends in the first place if they’re not f*cking you?
4. Our rudeness is only trumped by our ability to be fake-nice
To your parents. To your guy-friends. We KILL it in the fake-nice department. We’ll turn up that Crest White Stripped-smile until the gleam in our pearly whites slays you with kindess. We’re not sure where we learned this talent; it’s very possible we were born with the genetic ability (defect?) to small-talk and wink our way out of anything.
5. We marry a lot of great guys
Guys who don’t realize it until 10 years down the line. A tragedy, really.
6. Your friends tell you you’re dating a bitch
We quickly encourage you to stop hanging around those friends because they’re “bad influences”.
7. We’re hot
Because how else do you think we get away with being b*tches? Let me let you in on a little secret, BOYS: You all do yourselves a disservice by thinking with your d*cks. You all want to get laid by a dime, so you put up with a lot. And I mean a ALOT. We almost pity you. Almost.
We hope you found these amusing and helpful. After all, in the wise words of Michael P. Watson “Strong people don’t put others down…they lift them up.”